Lord of the Rings: How to Save Your Marriage by eleveninches

[coprime_recs]

How to Save Your Marriage (Aragorn/Arwen, Aragorn/Legolas | PG13 | 4,475 words) has Aragorn trying to come up with an answer as to how to get an heir since Arwen refuses to have sex with him. Legolas helps. This story is ridiculous, and I love it for it.

Excerpt:
"I need your help," he said quietly.

Legolas swallowed. "Of course, Aragorn. What would you ask of me?"

"An heir."

"I'm not a woman," Legolas said harshly. "Sometimes I really hate you people."

"What?" Aragorn demanded. "I'm not asking you for an heir; I'm asking you to--" He broke off, frustrated. "Arwen will not lie with me," he whispered. "That does not surprise me," Legolas replied. He stabbed a piece of boar with his fork.

"Unlike the Elves, I grow closer to death with each passing day," Aragorn said. Legolas bowed his head sadly, and Aragorn knew the Elf's resolve was weakening. He always saw Aragorn's side of things eventually. "If I die without an heir Gondor will crumble."

"What would you have me do?" Legolas asked.

"Kidnap a Hobbit and dress him up as my son."