coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
H.U.N.C.L.E. (Hiro, Ando, Naopoleon/Illya | G | 1,132 words): Hire and Ando accidentally end up on Napoleon and Illya's doorstep. Oh, this whole thing is delightful. Napoleon and Illya in all their retired glory, Hiro and Ando bumbling their way into and out of situations, and just the general fun absurdity that follows these characters around.

"Hiro, those men, I think they're..." Ando trailed off.

"Secret agents?" Hiro prompted.

"No, gay," Ando said, splashing a hand's worth of water at Hiro with a huff of exasperation.

"Oh, maybe! They seem to like each other very much." Hiro said. "But they're definitely secret agents."
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
Alpha (Napoleon/Illya | G | 4,046 words): Napoleon and Illya only have one more class to complete before they can become UNCLE agents. If you've ever wondered why heroes snark at the bad guys while fighting or while captured, then this is for you. This is alternately crackily hilarious with Napoleon and Illya insulting each other for class and rather sweet with them coming to understand one another.

"But it is not enough," Roman went on, "that you be able to fight, kill, improvise and withstand torture. You must also maintain the high standards of UNCLE's scorn for the criminal element, at all times. A sense of humour is essential. A quick mind likewise. Taunting your enemies mercilessly, enduring whatever punishment they throw at you, is a useful gambit. Provoking them into making a mistake is as much a part of your arsenal as your Special is."

Akilimale patted his sidearm comfortably. Roman recalled that the young man had the best record of anyone, to date, on the firing range. He made a note to keep an eye on him, make sure he wasn't too reliant on his weapon.

"So I am going to pair you off," he said, "and evaluate just how irritating you can be to each other. You will be evaluated on the strengths of your wit, your repartee, and how cleverly you use language." He fixed his glower on Grant and added, "Points will be deducted for out-and-out crudeness."
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
Footwork (Napoleon/Illya | NC17 | 14,798 words): There's a suspected plot at a dance troupe, so Napoleon and Illya go undercover as an IRS agent and ballet dancer, respectively. Oh, this is one of those stories that's just nice and fun. There's an interesting plot that's a bit different from the typical spy plot, what with the little old ladies. And I like Napoleon and Illya's relationship, how comfortable they are with each other.

"Hold still, let me get this off you."

Illya stilled instantly, his head coming up, turning blindly toward the sound of Napoleon's voice. Napoleon began to work at the cord that bound the pillow-case over his partner's head. After a moment he heard a sigh issue from within the folds of fabric.

"I suppose it's too much to hope that you are here to rescue me?"

"I was sort of hoping the reverse might be true," Napoleon admitted, loosening the knot and pulling the cord away, then tugging off the makeshift hood.

Static made Illya's blond hair stand out around his head like dandelion fluff until he shook his head in irritation, which made at least some of it lie down and behave itself. His gaze went first to Napoleon, a quick, intent flicker up and down, and then once he'd determined that Napoleon was in one piece, it ranged around the room, analytically cataloguing its contents. Napoleon worked at the ropes around Illya's wrists, waiting for his reaction. It wasn't long in coming. Illya let out a low whistle.

"Neveroyatnyj, did the Hermitage have a jumble sale?"

Napoleon chuckled. "I wondered something along those lines myself." He freed Illya's hands and soothed a thumb across the reddened skin left behind. Illya pulled his hands away impatiently and headed for the closest window.
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The Growing Up Affair (Napoleon/Illya, OC | PG | 9,343 words): Napoleon and Illya are sent to protect a girl that THRUSH is after. Hee, this is a fun romp with action and banter and a likeable OC, despite her being young and sheltered and -- because of that -- a little stupid at times. But she does have a brain and uses it and learns, so I can't blame her for being like a lot of people that age.

"What kind of a name is Kuryakin?" she asked.

"I am from the Soviet Union," he answered evenly.

"But they're Communist!" she exclaimed in alarm. Her father had told her all about the Communists, how they were trying to destroy the American way of life and take over the world.

"Yes, it is a Socialist Republic, but I am working with an international organization now, that has very little to do with such ideologies."

But he was a Communist. How could she believe anything he said? "Are you a Communist too?" she asked Solo, appalled.

He chuckled. "No, I'm afraid I'm a dyed in the wool Capitalist. But I'm surprised you're worried about it. I thought you hippies were all peace and love and easygoing."

"I'm not...." She stopped herself again. Then she noticed how dark it was outside the car. "Hey, where are we? Why aren't we on the highway?"

The Russian answered, "We have decided that it will be safer to go through the park. It is isolated, but for that very reason we will be less likely to be spotted by Thrush patrols. They were already on campus, you know, watching your dormitory."

That didn't sound good. It was more than three hundred miles from Canton to New York City, and longer than that if they went through the Adirondack park. Were people going to be trying to kill her all the way there? People trying to kill her? It didn’t seem likely.
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
Window (Napoleon/Illya | G | 2,805 words) is Illya from the point-of-view of one of his neighbors. The neighbor's wonderfully sweet, and the story is warm and familial and perfect.

He always nodded to her when he saw her sitting in the window. She didn't go out often these days — it was too much work, and the bones that had been broken during the war were increasingly stiff — but she could see the whole street from her perch. The butcher and the greengrocer delivered, and the milkman came every morning with the cream for her coffee. *Such a bad Russian I am,* she thought as she drank the strong, dark liquid. *In love with the decadent West.*

As the days grew cooler she put on a sweater to sit in the window and watch him come and go. She listened to the radio, where they talked of nothing but the World Series and that handsome young man from Massachusetts who wanted to be President.

Marie-Claire visited every day, now that Claude had passed on, and they chattered at each other in French over their café au lait and madeleines, gossiping about her handsome upstairs neighbor. They concocted outlandish plots to explain why he lived such an unsettled life, and one so alone.

"He could be a gun runner, perhaps. Do you think he is — how do they say it now — 'on the run'?"
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The Road to Morocco Affair (Napoleon/Illya | PG13 | 10,654 words) is a take-off of Bing Crosby and Bob Hope's The Road to Morocco with Napoleon and Illya. It's a fun romp with silliness and banter.

Illya touched his arm, "Napoleon. Over there."

"Ah. A haberdashery." They examined the vicinity of the shop whose counter boasted burnooses and turbans and the like. There was a wooden overhang at the front, a kind of rough portico, with clothing draped over its support beams.

"If you could generate a distraction," Illya said, "I could climb up there and take what we need without the shopkeeper seeing me."

"A distraction?" Napoleon echoed dubiously.

At that moment gunfire erupted, some distance away, followed by shouts, screams, and the clatter of hoofbeats.

"Ta-da," Napoleon said, with the appropriate gesture.

Illya rolled his eyes. "Well done."
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
Cliche (Napoleon/Illya | PG13 | 975 words) has Napoleon musing on cliches while he and Illya are trapped. And, y'know, cliches aren't all that funny. The story's different from a lot of the Man from UNCLE fics that I read because this one's more... tragic.

So there really isn't anything to be done, not now, and all he can do now is hope that the message he did manage to send before they were thrown into this subterranean prison got through, that help is, in fact, on the way. He can't help but think that that's another cliche, the cavalry riding to the rescue, a cliche made for cowboys, not spies, but he's willing to believe, anyway.
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The FAO Schwartz Affair (Napoleon/Illya | R | 4,750 words) is Napoleon telling the story as to why he chose Illya as his partner. Aww, this is really sweet. And it paints a heart-breaking picture of Illya trying to adjust to America, having recently been uprooted from his home.

I know you find it impossible to believe that I was drawn to you back then. You sometimes find it hard to believe that I am drawn to you now. I think it is why you need the loving words so much, to help convince you that my love for you is genuine. I know you do believe, in the deepest parts of yourself, but you need occasional reassurance.

"Yes, well, I found it a bit hard to believe myself." Ah, that got the glint back in your eyes. I start again, before you can skewer me with your sharp wit. "I followed you when you left that day, watched as you bought some kielbasa for dinner, and as you wandered into several bookstores. You still barely spoke, and I saw how you moved down the street, staying closed up, until you were almost invisible to the people passing you by." I remember that it had been close to Christmas, and you seemed so unaffected by any of the Christmas paraphernalia.

You sigh. "It was not a good thing to be noticed when I was growing up, Napoleon. And even in this country, it was not a good thing to be Russian."
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
People Bending Broken Rules (Bodie/Doyle, Napoleon/Illya | PG13 | 11,927 words) has Bodie and Doyle guarding an undercover Napoleon and Illya. This reads like a romance novel in many ways, but I like romance novels so it's all good. Just don't expect any earth-shattering writing. It also has a pretty nice external plot in addition to the internal plot.

"The Sheik, who seems to think he is bullet proof, would like to go for a morning ride," Illya said harshly.

"The Sheik," Napoleon countered coolly, "intends to be bullet proof, and is going for a morning ride."

"Sounds like a good idea to me," Bodie said.

"Why?" Illya asked warily.

Before Bodie could state his reason Napoleon restated his. "Because we have had no contact for two days now, because none of the threats before involved a rifleman and because if I don't get out of this room I'm going to go nuts."

"Yeh," Bodie jerked his head toward the dark American, "what he said."

"And because," Doyle added seriously, "if there is someone out there this will flush them. Then we can wrap this up and go home."

"That, too," Napoleon said calmly, staring at his smaller partner.

After a second's hesitation Illya reluctantly nodded, then turned and went into the closest. He reappeared carrying two kevlar, wrap around vests. He hand one to Napoleon, started to hand one to Bodie. Doyle's hand flashed out and took it before Bodie could move. Illya stepped back out of the way.

Bodie shook his head, extending his hand for the vest. "No way, Doyle. We established yesterday that I stay with his Highness."

"I'm the better rider, Bodie. We both know that." He started to put on the vest. "And you're the better rifleman. We'll gallop around the ground to the south, you can cover us from here with the armalite."

Bodie jaw tightened, but by his silence Doyle knew he had won. He had decided that if, like when they had first been teamed he had to prove himself then that's what he would do. Maybe then everything would get back to normal. Bodie was slipping further and further away and it scared him. When he met the blue eyes he found a weary, resigned look that confused him; as if Bodie wanted him to go out and do well, but was afraid of it at the same time. For the second time in a as many days Doyle fought away the urge to reach out to him.
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The Better Gadget Affair (Napoleon/Illya | NC17 | 26,903 words) is set before Napoleon and Illya are partnered. Napoleon's working solo in the field while Illya's working in the lab. Illya starts making gadgets for Napoleon, the two make a connection, and other stuff happens. I love the story because it's got plot and romance and characterization. All without angst that would be unecessary here. Rather, it makes me smile.

While Napoleon would be thrilled at any gadget Illya gave him, what he really needed what a miniature acetylene torch. He muttered, "I hope it's an acetylene torch."

"It is. A miniature one." He took a pen out of his pocket and handed it to Napoleon.

Napoleon gaped at the pen in his hand. "This is a torch?"

Illya nodded. He unscrewed the pen and flipped up the small nozzle. "It doesn't hold much, needless to say, so I made you two." He pulled out another pen. "This one is a mechanical pencil." Using the pencil, he fully demonstrated its torch workings by flipping up the small nozzle and pushing up a switch until a small hissing was heard.

Taking a lighter he flicked it and the torch was lit. "Each one will only last for forty five seconds." He shut off the gas. Reaching into his pocket he took out two small tubes that looked like ink cartridges. "I made two replacement gas canisters." He showed Napoleon how to change it out. "That will give you, seeing as I've just used about four seconds of gas, about two minutes and fifty-six seconds."

Napoleon was speechless. Then his eyes narrowed. "Not that I'm not grateful, but how did you know I needed this?"

"Lucky guess."

Napoleon shook his head. "I fell for that one once already. I only got the case file the day before yesterday and it hasn't been out of my office."

Illya gave him a suspiciously innocent look. Then he spoiled it all when he said, "Speaking of your office, do you need a good lock pick?"

Napoleon's eyes widened. "Illya, did you break into my office?"

Illya let out a tsk tsk noise. "You really should have Waverly beef up the security in this place, Napoleon. It was ridiculously easy to get in."
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The Vivian Johnstone Higginsbottoms Affair (Napoleon/Illya, OC | R | 11,884 words) is slightly similar to The Drunken Bet Affair in that both have a Sue-ish OC. Here, Napoleon and Illya have parted ways after the end of the series. Vivian Higginsbottoms is set to marry Napoleon, but something's bothering him and Vivian decides to investigate. Vivian's a fun character, she really is. And matchmaking can be a lot of fun as well. The story's got just the right amount of angst too.

Vivian flounced back on the bed. "Come on, Napoleon. How bad could it have been? So he made a pass at you. Time to get over it and move on."

Napoleon started to cough.

She sat up and pounded him on his back. "Are you all right?"

He nodded, still coughing. He choked out a few words, "Fine, just breathed wrong."

Vivian frowned at him. This whole thing was so unlike him. First his drinking, then his unwillingness to talk about whatever these ghosts of his were, and now his unwillingness to talk about Illya. Her brain worked furiously connecting the dots. Then her jaw dropped.

Napoleon sighed and dropped his face into his hands.

She had to know. "Did he make a pass at you?"
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The Wild Wild U.N.C.L.E. (Napoleon/Illya, Jim/Artie | PG13 | 11,255 words) is the story that got me interested in the Wild Wild West. Napoleon and Illya land in Jim and Artie's time. The Napoleon/Illya stuff shows that they're happy and in love and comfortable with each other, which is how I like my couples. Artie and Jim are cute. While the focus is not on the time-travel, enough thought was put into that point so that it's not senseless.

"Jim, I..." Artie began speaking before he stepped through the door, and stopped abruptly once he got a lookinside. "You're not James West."

"Not last time I looked," the man responded amiably. Handsome, with dark hair and twinkling eyes, he smiled in a friendly manner. For all his geniality, however, there was an air of impersonal menace about him. He sat on the floor with his back against the wall, cradling the motionless form of a smaller blond man in his arms.

"What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for our good host to decide what to do with us, I expect." He didn't seem particularly concerned, his flippant attitude reminding Artie of Jim. The stranger lifted one shoulder, shifting his clasp on the man lying against his chest.

"What's wrong with your friend?" Artie belatedly found his concern.

"Nothing. It's his turn to sleep." That half-shrug again, accompanied by another faint grin. Artie wondered how anyone could sleep through the conversation. "Your friend, James West -- he an athletic-looking fellow, dark hair, tight pants?" Artie grinned at the description, nodding vigorously. "Well then, the little guy has him cooped up in that lab of his."

"You must mean Dr. Loveless."

"Oh, is that his name?" Again, he didn't seem too concerned one way or another. Artie raised an eyebrow at him, and he explained, "We didn't really bother to ask."

"Meet one megalomaniac scientist, you've met them all," the blond remarked in a lightly-accented voice without opening his eyes.
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The Drunken Bet Affair (Napoleon/Illya, OC | R | 21,843 words) is, yeah, a story with Mary Sue playing matchmaker for Napoleon and Illya. But it's good, I swear! Illya gets drunk and makes a bet with the Sue (Melody) that she can't get him and Napoleon together. Melody's fun, and there's a lot of jealous Napoleon, which can be quite good done right. And it's done right here. The story's a fun romp, very cute and fluffy.

He shoved open the door to Illya's lab. The scene looked entirely too cozy for his tastes. Illya was sitting on his lab stool, wearing his lab coat. She was sitting on the counter, her legs close enough to brush his coat. Too close. Too damn close. It made Napoleon crazy. And then it made him even crazier that it made him crazy. He couldn't understand why he was letting this bother him so much.

But it did. The only thing that kept him from going over and pushing her off the counter was the fact that Illya stood when he entered, and looked pleased to see him. "Napoleon."

"Illya." He gave Melody the most cursory of looks, and his voice was barely polite. "Melody."

She grinned at him. "Napoleon. So nice to see you."

Napoleon saw Illya give her a quick shake of his head. Napoleon hoped that look meant: don't push him or he's liable to shoot you. Apparently it was, because Melody hopped off the counter and with another quick kiss to Illya's cheek, and a smart salute in Napoleon's direction, she wasted no time in leaving the lab.

Napoleon waited until the door shut behind her. "I see South America in that woman's immediate future."

Illya's eyes widened and then narrowed. "Napoleon, you wouldn't."

No, Napoleon wouldn't, but he dearly wanted to.
coprime_recs: Chouji and Shikamaru on a roof cloud-watching (Default)
The Louis Armstrong Affair (Napoleon/Illya | NC17 | 11,127 words) is about Napoleon and Illya discovering what it means to be a couple (as opposed to friends) while still staying themselves. It made me go "awww" at some places and laugh at others; it's a story about the relationship without all the angst that so many stories thrive on. Not that this doesn't deal with angsty issues, but it deals with them in a way that allows Napoleon and Illya to stay the grown men and international spies that they are.

"What are you doing?"

Napoleon tossed his shoes well away from the water's edge before kneeling down on one knee to roll up the hems of his pants. "Isn't obvious?"

Regarding him through narrowed eyes, Illya made his assessment. "You look as though you are about to frolic in the sea water."

"Why, Illya, one would think you didn't approve of frolicking." Napoleon then did promptly that, dashing into the cold water and then backing out quickly, making sure to send a small torrent of water Illya's way on his retreat.

"UNCLE agents do not frolic," Illya replied frostily, bearing the droplets of water on his face with resigned stoicism, although he knew the gleam in his eyes betrayed him. "Neither do they revel, carouse, caper or cavort."

Napoleon kicked another wave of muddy froth in Illya's direction. "We're not UNCLE agents here, you know. We're - " He shrugged and grinned, apparently as unprepared as Illya to put a name to what they'd become.